The Road to Relational Happiness: The Gottman Method
What road is your current relationship on? Do you have a love map for your partner? OR has your partnership diverged at a fork in the road? Is your relationship at a sexual dead end? Did you end up on a detour from your desired path? Are you feeling so distant that you wonder if your spouse is even in the same time zone as you? Have you asked - how do we get back on the road of relational happiness? Are you staring at the flashing road sign ahead asking - Is couples therapy the answer?
If you feel jostled by any of these questions, then rest assured, roadside assistance is here to help. At Hope Rising, the therapy contractors are ready to equip you and your partner to create love maps for each other as you explore your relationship and learn strategies to increase connection and relationship satisfaction.
Map to Love
Building love maps is a technique developed by John Gottman, PhD and Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD. The Gottmans are a powerhouse couple in the field of marital and partnered relationships. They are co-founders of The Gottman Institute and the Gottman Love Lab. Fueled by a passion for understanding relationship dynamics and seeking to quantify the meaning of love, they have studied couples and love for fifty years and developed numerous popular techniques for couples in therapy. Many of the contractors at Hope Rising have participated in some of the Gottman Method trainings and offer therapy services for couples utilizing the Gottman’s well-researched therapy strategies and techniques.
What is love? Can you quantify it? According to researchers, you can! Love is in the small everyday moments. According to Gottman & Gottman’s 2022 book, The love prescription: 7 days to more intimacy, connection, and joy, “a relationship is – not one big thing, but a million tiny things, every day, for a lifetime” (p. xi).
Developing love maps in therapy is a process that encourages couples to explore their partners and what makes them special. Love maps are not something that are created once and then left in the dust. Instead, they are an ever-developing map that ebbs and flows with partners throughout life. Learning about your loved one is never complete. Creating a love map is a journey of the love your relationship cultivates.
On the Road of Unhappiness
According to Gottman & Gottman (2022), “most couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before they seek help” (p. xxiii). Common points of tension include, everyday conflicts, criticism, unbalanced chore distribution, lack of fun, touch deprivation, and sexual dissatisfaction. In therapy, couples are encouraged to explore questions like: How did we get here? Where do we want our relationship to go? How do I build a love map for my partner? How can I change my everyday actions to lead us down a different path? Often just starting the conversation is the first step forward.
Detour Ahead: Asking a big question.
When entering therapy, couples may think that they need to solve a relational conflict or dig deep into their relational past. While understanding relationship history can have a purpose, it may surprise you to learn that it is really hard to change people in a conflict. Instead, it is easier to change everyday moments.
Rather than focusing on a question like how do we stop arguing, instead consider asking how do we learn about each other on a deeper level? It does not matter if you have been together six months or sixty years, there is always more to learn about your partner. One of the primary ways people can learn about each other is by asking questions. As a result, Gottman & Gottman (2022) recommend asking big questions. The big questions they refer to are open ended questions about your partner. It can be something silly or serious. Here are a few examples:
What animal would you like to be for a day and why?
How would you describe yourself to an alien?
What are some of your dreams for the future?
If you could change anything about your life, what would it be?
What is something you would like to accomplish?
Next, keep the conversation going by using these follow up phrases:
Tell me more about that.
What happened next?
How did that make you feel?
Interestingly, often an unacknowledged life dream is at the root of many core relational conflicts. Rather than staying stuck in the gridlocked conflict, it can be more helpful to step outside of the discord. Therefore, asking open ended big questions during a non-stressful time will be more likely to lead to deeper partnership understanding.
Missed Turn: Bids for connection.
During their time studying couples, Gottman & Gottman (2022) identified that partners are frequently making what they call “bids for connection” (p. 5). Bids for connection are the everyday moments where a person tries to connect with another individual. Partners can respond to bids for connections in three ways:
Turning toward – The partner gives a positive response that acknowledges the other person’s attempt to connect. This may be done by making a mmhhmmm sound, looking at the person speaking, physically turning towards the person speaking, or giving a verbal reply.
Turning away – The partner gives no response. The partner either chooses to ignore the speaker’s attempt to connect or genuinely does not notice the attempt at connection.
Turning against – The partner gives a negative response. This often comes out as anger, irritability, and shuts down the partner’s bid for connection.
In their research, Gottman & Gottman (2022) found, “How people reacted to their partner’s bids for connection was in fact the biggest predictor of happiness and relational stability” (p. 7).
Turn Towards Connection
When considering the three ways people respond to bids for connection, hopefully number one – turning towards a partner – stands out as the desired response. It can be a challenge to identify and turn towards your partner during every single bid for connection especially if your natural tendency is to turn away or turn against. The first step in this process is to just start noticing and identifying scenarios when your partner makes a bid for connection and your response or lack thereof. As you notice these small everyday bids for connection, work to increase your positive responses and ability to turn towards your partner.
Unappreciated Speed Bump
For some couples, raising kids, going to work, and managing a household can be a thankless never ending to do list. When many couples think back to those blissful days before the current stress and/or having children, they remember speeding through life with their hair flying in the wind, not a care in the world, living it up, and being adventurous with their partner. Then came the speed bump. Maybe to you, what was supposed to be a small speed bump in the road actually felt more like hitting a Mack truck head on with you and your partner getting thrown off in different directions. Now instead of going on adventures together, you are stuck in the daily grind of work stress and/or raising kids. To combat the resentment, loneliness, and relational conflict that can arise in these scenarios, Gottman & Gottman (2022) studied the power of couples genuinely saying thank you to each other.
Repaving by Saying “Thank You”
Many of the couples that come to therapy, have a long list of grievances. When this happens, the Gottman Method encourages couples to look for the positives rather than the negatives. Looking for the positives in a situation can be extremely difficult, especially because as a survival mechanism, our brains are designed to scan for problems. If we lived out in the wild, constantly scanning for threats and problems is vital for survival. However, in a relationship dynamic, it can become a barrier.
Interestingly, when Gottman & Gottman (2022) studied couples’ positive vs negative intentions, they found partners were often doing nice things for each other, but it was going unnoticed by the other partner. For example, while one partner felt angry that the trash didn’t get taken out, they missed that their partner was helping their child with homework.
After observing thousands of couples, Gottman & Gottman (2022) determined that one of the key components to a healthy and satisfying relationship was saying and hearing “thank you.” The more genuine and specific the thank you, the more meaningful. For example, if Jane is feeling tired after a long day of work and comes home to see her partner John helping their daughter Sally with homework, she could say something like, “John, thank you for taking the time to help Sally with her homework. I had an exhausting presentation today at work, and I would not have had the brain power or the patience to help her tonight.” Taking the time to say thank you helps not only John feel appreciated but also leads Jane to focus on a positive behavior of John’s rather than a negative.
Sexual Dead End
Sex can be an awkward topic. Sex can also feel like a dead end, especially if couples do not talk about it. People are given the impression by the media that everyone else is having sex all the time and it is awesome. However, many couples are unsatisfied with their sex lives. Often couples wish there were fireworks exploding in their sex lives, but instead barely a spark exists. During Gottman & Gottman’s (2022) research, they found that most couples going to counseling do not talk about sex in therapy but upon further exploration, sexual dissatisfaction is a problem. In addition, Gottman & Gottman (2022) found that couples going in for sex therapy often do not end up having it be successful.
Gottman & Gottman (2022) also look to researchers Northrup, Schwartz, and Witte who identified that couples reporting the most sexual satisfaction regularly did the following (this list is taken in its entirety from The love prescription: 7 days to more intimacy, connection, and joy p.107).
They say “I love you” every day, and mean it.
They kiss passionately for no reason at all.
They give each other compliments (and surprise romantic gifts!).
They know what turns their partner on and off erotically.
They are physically affectionate, even in public.
They keep playing and having fun together.
They cuddle – often.
They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list.
They stay good friends.
They can talk comfortably about their sex life.
They have weekly romantic dates.
They take romantic vacations.
They are mindful about turning toward.
This list can look overwhelming at a first glance. However, utilizing specific strategizes outlined by the Gottman Method can help reignite the sexual flame.
Adventure Ahead
According to Gottman & Gottman (2022), a sex starved relationship is really an adventure and fun starved relationship. They claim that many couples missing the sexual spark they desire have also lost the fun and imagination in their relationship. For couples looking to ignite that flame again, the Gottmans would encourage them to go outside of their comfort zones and try something imaginative and fun. The adventure does not need to be grand or expensive. In fact, it may be even more meaningful if the fun is incorporated into the everyday grind of life.
One example Gottman & Gottman (2022) gave to a couple was to go outside and have a mud fight. Yes, you read that correctly, a mud fight. The purpose of the mud fight assignment was to reintroduce spontaneous fun into the relationship. For one couple, what started out as awkward and hesitancy at engaging in a ridiculous task ultimately turned into an experience of exciting connection. The laughter, chasing, and mud throwing brought some novelty and fun to the relationship.
In addition to increasing fun and adventure into couples lives again, Gottman & Gottman (2022) suggest that everyday mini touches can have a magical impact. Little quick touches can include:
Hugs (ideally for 20seconds to release the powerful oxytocin chemical in your brain)
Kisses
Hand holding
Short back massages
Cuddling
Gentle touches to the other’s hand, arm, shoulder
Resting a head on a partner’s shoulder or lap
Gottman & Gottman (2022) also encourage couples to prioritize date night. The Gottmans say regular date nights are a requirement for a satisfying partnered relationship.
Ask for Relational Directions
Society teaches people that having needs is bad, wrong, and/or weak. People often have their needs ignored early in life. This reinforces the idea that people are not supposed to have needs. After repeatedly having their needs unmet as children, many adults will do anything to avoid being shut down when they have a need request. This is unfortunate because humans have needs. All humans have needs! Getting needs met is critical for the species survival. As much as a person may try, they cannot and should not meet all their own needs in every aspect of life. In addition, it is acceptable and normal for humans to have wants. While many people consider wants as separate from needs, this distinction is not necessary when it comes to asking for help. It is normal and necessary for people to ask for their needs and wants to be met in life and relationships. As a result, the Gottmans and those trained in their methods work with couples to learn how to clearly ask for what they want and need.
Whether you want your relationship to change or you need your relationship to change, it is time to ask for directions and get help. Take control of your relationship steering wheel and contact Hope Rising to learn more about how the staff can assist you on your journey.
You can read more about the Gottman Method on the website https://www.gottman.com
~ Blog Writer: Tasha Lehner MA
References:
Gottman, J. & Gottman, J. S. (2022). The love prescription: 7 days to more intimacy, connection, and joy. New York, NY: Penguin Random House.